A lesson of a woman who is no one

 As a little girl, she always looked for a companion and safety in her family. She was very close to her mother and brother. They also loved her a lot and reciprocated all the feelings she showed. At times she got sad though because her mom seemed distant and busy in her own world. The girl understood that mom had her own problems to deal with and brother had to go his way to pursue his life's dreams and ambitions. The girl many times felt lonely, but she knew that she was loved by her family. 

She soon found solace in friendship. She found many friends and a whole new world of opportunities to explore. As a teenager, she found her best friend. He was funny, always cared for her and loved her as if he was her brother. She felt happiness and a sense of belonging with him. They shared the deepest secrets, happiest moments and worst times together. She was surprised when he started feeling distant when he found his girlfriend. The teenager was happy for her friend but felt alone one more time. Life further happened. Both the teenager and her friend had their own ups and downs. More downs than ups. Both the friends grew further away. When they tried communicating with each other, they both found each other unavailable many times, increasing the distance. At times she felt he has stopped caring for her at all. 

Her search for companionship was not over. Everyone around her, the movies, the books indicated that the final companion where all the longings are answered is your romantic partner. She did not really find one, but she found one who claimed that he loved her a lot. She spent time with him and his loved seemed unchanged over the period of time. She thought this is it. My search is over. His love felt enough to fill her that part of heart which often felt empty. They got married to stay together. Those days were beautiful. she felt happy and content. Soon the life happened again. Things got tough and he started being emotionally unavailable. She tried her best to be there for him but her need of that companionship was compromised once again. She tried talking to him about it but he called her insensitive. He called her incapable of understanding his side and accused her of being selfish. Heartbroken, she begged him to hang on tight till the difficult time passes but he was soon diagnosed with mental health issues. Her life turned upside down. Peace and survival took a center stage. Need for companionship and love were long gone and ignored. She decided to safeguard herself and kids from this storm and they walked separate paths. 

Heartbroken, defeated and scared, she tried collecting the pieces of her broken down life. While in that process, she met a wonderful man. He came as a savior. Helping her solve all her life's problems one after the other. He claimed that he was deeply in love with her. She felt like she found her soulmate whenever she was with him. He promised her that he will always love her, will be at her side and no matter how messed up she might be, he will always be there.  Soon the life got busy again. She started finding him emotionally unavailable. She often tried compromising in many ways. Showed understanding for the situation they both were into, but she felt nothing was sufficient. He was not there when she needed him. She felt he did not care about what she needed. She felt betrayed. If someone claims to love someone then they keep that person's needs in priority, right? She wondered. She did not want to give up on this, so she fought. She complained to him and demanded his attention. He turned her down blaming on her anxious, self-loathing nature, blaming it to be women's problem. This further damaged her self-esteem. Deep down she knew, he cares. If he does, then what is going wrong? 

Meanwhile her children turned teenagers. Their demands increased, being raised in a household with difficulties of its own their challenges were real. She was many times exhausted. She felty like the kids were not always being considerate 

Then one day, while she was exhausted with her kids' demands and the arguments with her man, her childhood best friend asked her about her well-being casually. Not understanding the casual tone of it, she tried opening up to him. He made a joke of it not understanding her state of mind. The woman felt bad and she reacted with mild anger to him. He immediately realized his mistake. He made a joke with a subtle tone of apology to it. He tried cheering her up. She was so surprised to see that. He did not counter react. He did not call her moody or impulsive. He did not try to get back to her. All he did was he cared about how she felt. He took a responsibility of making her sad unknowingly. He made it clear in his action that it did not matter what was right or what was wrong. All he cared was her being happy. She became cheerful immediately forgetting about all the past baggage. She suddenly realized that maybe he was busy, but he always cared. If this is true, then what went wrong? what went wrong in all her relationships? 

She realized that even though the people cared, they were incapable of being with her when the tough got tougher. She always longed for a companion who would put her needs also in consideration while they fought their own battles. She realized that companion never existed. In fact, she was not able to be that person herself for anyone important in her life. She was there with her kids. She also tried doing whatever was needful for them, but she was also not able to make a good balance in providing what they needed and what they wanted. When she turned to her faith, she realized that it was only the almighty, who stayed with her all the time. Even though others had the love and care in them for her, they did not have the capacity to be there for her when they had their own struggles. She was the same. She could not be there for others when she had her own struggles. 

Now with this realization, she has forgiven all her past relationships from the past. She has also apologized to them in her mind for not being that companion for her. She wants to get the long-lost love of almighty back in her life because he is her ultimate companion. Now she has minimized all her expectations from other. Instead, she is stiving to be that companion to others which she has been seeking all her life. She also aspiring to be that servant of the almighty, who is grateful and full of love.